


Back In The Beginning

by Safiyabat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Past Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Sibling Incest, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 06:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2219631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Safiyabat/pseuds/Safiyabat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an angel plays some key events in Sam's life back for Benny, he asks Sam about his relationship with Dean.  Surprisingly enough, Sam is willing to share and tells Benny about his first time with Dean and the complicated feelings between them.  Set in a mythical post-S9 in which a resurrected Benny is helping Sam to save Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back In The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Wincest Fanfic Network Competition #3. The prompt was "first time." 
> 
> I always appreciate feedback. If you want to leave feedback for the competition, however, the only "notes" that count are the ones that come through the post on the wincestfanficnetwork.tumblr.com site. I'll still treasure likes and comments here though! 
> 
> I'd like to thank my beta for this work, tumblr user gunsjawlinesandhair. They were fantastic to work with.
> 
> Supernatural and the characters from the show are not my property. I make no money from this or any other work of fan fiction.

Benny tried not to inhale. Sam went about the process of stitching up the wound on his abdomen without flinching, like he was sewing up a shirt that didn’t even mean much to him anymore but would probably give him a few more weeks of use if he played his cards right. The scent of his blood was intoxicating, enticing, notes of copper and sulfur and ozone. “You sure you don’t want me to get that for you, Winchester?” he demanded through gritted teeth. _Please don’t want me to get that for you, Winchester,_ he pleaded silently. 

Hazel eyes glanced up from his work and one corner of his mouth twitched up. His perfectly steady hands never stopped moving. “Don’t sweat it, Benny,” Dean’s brother told him. “I get that it’s hard.” 

“I’ll bet you do, at that.” Having so many of Sam’s memories played back for both of them hadn’t exactly been fun, but at least he “got” the guy a little better now. Or a lot better, if he was being honest with himself. “I wish someone had told me about your habit during my last go-round topside. Might have made things a little easier.” 

Sam’s whole face tensed. “It’s not exactly something I’m proud of.” He forced himself to relax. “I think Dean figured if I talked about it – like, ever – I’d fall off the wagon or something,” he said then, still stitching along. 

“Will you?” “Not likely. Anything’s possible I guess, but it didn’t work out very well for me the last time I used. So.” His stitches continued even, perfectly spaced. A little old lady at a quilting bee.

“And that was?”

“Right before I said ‘yes’ to Lucifer.” 

Benny swallowed. “Right. That. I can see where that would be a pretty powerful disincentive right there.” 

Sam snorted. “You think? Here, pass me that whiskey.”

Benny expected him to drink it, but instead he splashed it on the wound. “You know, even back when I still had to breathe air we knew about antibiotics and sterile dressings and suchlike.” 

Sam shrugged. “I’ve had worse.”

“Just because you didn’t get an infection before doesn’t mean you won’t this time. It ain’t like you’re taking great care of yourself, you know?” 

Hazel eyes rolled. “You worried about my diet now, Benny? That’s sweet.”

“I know Dean’s gonna be pissed if we bring him back and you’re nothin’ but a skeleton with a few stitches,” the vampire retorted. 

“I’m fine, Benny. And Dean’s not going to notice. Trust me on this.” He pulled a shirt on over what was still a pretty well put together body and stood slowly. He’d lost a lot of blood but you’d have to really know what you were doing to pick up on it. “I should shower or something.” 

“Sure you don’t want to talk?” He took a pull off the whiskey bottle. “This stuff ain’t half bad and you’re wasting it on wound care?”

He shrugged, half a grin parting the clouds of his face. “Whatever. Drink up.” 

Benny grabbed two glasses from a shelf and poured measures for both of them. He’d been doing this for a long time now and could judge safely by eye. Of course with Sam being a few pints low he might not be able to take as much as he usually would. “No need to be acting like we’re still in Purgatory, Winchester. Got a nice place here. Might as well act like we live in it.” Sam snorted painfully but lifted his glass in a half-assed salute anyway. “You want to tell me why an angel decided to make a home movie out of your noggin?” 

The kid shrugged. It was hard not to think of him as a kid – his face was more or less unlined even after everything, so Benny could forget that he’d spent however many eons in the Cage even though he’d seen what had been packed into those centuries with his own two eyes only tonight. “Figured it would slow me down or incapacitate me. It worked the last time. I guess he didn’t get the memo that I actually do remember everything this time.”

“You’d figure an angel would be on board with curing a demon, though.” The vampire sipped from his glass, enjoying the burn of the whiskey.

“Clearly you haven’t spent much time around angels. They’re not the good guys here.”

“Aw, Cas wasn’t so bad. Not too reliable, but not too bad.” “Yeah. Well, he’s not exactly representative. And he’s got his moments.” Sam got quiet and looked away. It had been a defining trait of his even when Benny's been topside before. This time it lacked the jaw clenching and hand twitching toward his knife. “Who knows why this one objects? It could be that they want to smite Dean themselves, because he’s a demon and a damn strong one at that. It could be that they want to be the one to destroy the Abomination once and for all now that there’s not a need for Lucifer’s vessel.” 

“Really?” He looked up through his eyelashes at the giant. “Is that seriously what they call you?” 

“It’s what I am.” He sipped from his drink again. “They can do what they want once Dean’s human again.” Benny’s own drink caught in his throat at the casual way he said that. “But my guess is that this particular angel is working for Crowley and wants to stop us from curing Dean.” 

“Would an angel really work for the king of Hell?” “Sure. They have free will just like we do. They can be bought. It’s not even all that hard, apparently.” He met Benny’s eyes. “Go ahead. Ask it.” 

The vampire shifted. “I don’t want to be disrespectful – I mean, you’re a private kind of guy, Sam.” 

“But I just had an angel broadcast some of my greatest hits on the side of a barn for you to watch like it was the dollar matinee at the Hollywood. Not your fault. I know you’ve got questions.” There was bitterness in his voice and plenty of it, but he forced both the tone and the grim twist to his mouth away when he spoke again. “Go ahead and ask them.” 

Benny sighed. “I’m. Um.” The question was awkward no matter how he approached it so he decided to come at it like pulling up to a dock – more sideways-like. “I sure do wish Dean had said something about you and him before – you know, when I was topside last. It woulda made a lot of things different.”

Sam huffed a little. “Yeah. Well. I’m sure he’d forgotten by then.” He pushed his drink away from himself. 

“That’s not the kind of thing you forget, Sam.” 

“It is if you’re Dean. He’s never put a high value on sexual relationships. You know, until Lisa. Then you. Probably why he couldn’t stand to have me near either you or her.” He rubbed at his face. “Look, don’t say anything to him, okay? He’s not proud of it, he’s pretty disgusted –“ 

“The hell you talking about, Winchester? When we were in Purgatory all he could talk about was gettin’ back to Sam. First we find the angel, then we get back to Sammy.” He shook his head. “But when we’d stop to rest or whatever all he talked about was you, man. It was Sammy and the fireworks, or Sammy learning to read, or Sammy this or Sammy that –“

“Not helping, Benny.” He gave an apologetic half-smile that completely belied the little growl in his voice. “That’s all just… kid stuff, you know? And, uh, he didn’t have much use for me as an adult.” 

The memories that Benny had seen showed that Dean had in fact had plenty of use for Sam as an adult but that was just Sam’s perspective, the things he apparently held dear. “So you initiated?” 

“Not really?” He sighed again. “You really want to hear this story, man? It’s – I mean, it’s gross, man. It’s incest. Normal people do not want to hear about this kind of thing.” 

“Uh, Winchester?” he reminded, leaning forward a little. “You popped into Purgatory and pulled me out yourself. I think ‘normal’ left the room a long time before we started talking about a loving, consenting relationship between two men.” 

Sam acknowledged this with a tilt of his eyebrows and a downturn of his mouth. His face could convey volumes without his voice needing to come into it at all. “Anyway. I guess it was just… natural… to fall in love with Dean, you know? I mean – well, I knew I wasn’t hung up on gender as soon as puberty hit, you know? That was never even a question. Like, I knew that it was sometimes important to the people I might be with but it had no bearing on my attraction to them. Male, female, anyone in between or outside – didn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. But that’s beside the point. My dad kept us very isolated. We moved around all the time – we changed schools every month or six weeks on average, specifically so we couldn’t form any attachments. Evidently Dad thought that would keep us off the demonic radar.” 

“Did it?”

“No. Hell no. At least one of my teachers in every school, apparently, was possessed. My prom date was a demon.” He waved a hand. “Not the point. Anyway, I’m not like Dean. I generally like to have some kind of emotional connection to the people I’m with and Dean, well, he was the only person who was ever around. Even Dad wasn’t ever around for more than a day or two at a stretch if he could possibly avoid it. He didn’t like me much, didn’t want to be around.” He forced a tight little smile. “Anyway. The point is that of course I was going to fixate on Dean. I mean yeah sure it was wrong and I should have gotten help or something. And I knew it, which is why I didn’t do anything about it.”

Now it was Benny’s turn to snort. He remembered his own teenage years, albeit distantly. “Must have made you a joy to live with.” Joking was easier than trying to show sympathy without showing pity. That was a fine line to walk, and it would be too easy to slip.

“Yeah, well, poor Dean got stuck relaying our father’s orders more often than not. So twice the fun for the same low price!” He spun the glass around in his hand without picking it up. “I mean, it didn’t stop me, you know? From trying to have relationships or whatever with other people. But anyway. “We were up in Vermont. I can’t even remember the name of the town but it’s really up there, almost in Canada. It was summer and we were in this cabin. Two rooms, no insulation, really isolated. Dad was off somewhere and I went for a run. Met up with a guy I knew from town. And I was down – you know, just seventeen, horny, achy from hitting my growth spurt right at the wrong time, Dad was being a real hardass and Christ I was lonely. But Crow – that’s what his parents named him –“

“Seriously? Parents these days.” Benny probably shouldn’t judge since he’d, you know, become a vampire and gone off to become a creature of the night while leaving his children behind. Maybe he didn’t get to say anything about other people’s parenting. 

“Hey, I’m named after one of the world’s biggest assholes. And I know assholes.” He was definitely speaking more loosely than Benny had ever heard him speak before – maybe the booze had done some good, combined with the blood loss. “So anyway. I ran into Crow while I was out for a run. And he saw that I was uptight and invited me to come back to his place to hang out for a bit. And I knew I wasn’t supposed to – no connections, remember? - but I was like, ‘I’m seventeen. Why exactly am I supposed to be living in a prison again?’ and I left a voicemail and I went.” 

Benny restrained a yawn. “I thought you were supposed to be talking about how you and Dean got together. Not about your high school boyfriend, Sam.” 

“I’m getting there, Benny.” Sam should’ve been offended but he just looked up from the table through those lashes of his, around that curtain of hair, and Benny could definitely see what Dean had been about in those days. “So we go there, and he starts rubbing my neck because I’m still ‘too tense, man,’ and it’s like of course I’m tense. I’ve been on lockdown for seventeen years, you know? But, uh, Crow was more than willing to help out with that.” His cheeks turned pink. It was a good look for him really. “Anyway. One thing led to another. And another. And you know how these things go. So yeah. 

“And yeah – I lost track of time. You know what? If you’re both doing it right neither one of you is really thinking about your watches.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Benny grinned, leaning back. “And I’m guessing that y’all were doing it right.” 

“Oh yeah.” Sam’s face left no room for doubt. “You could have set off a bomb in that cabin and I wouldn’t have noticed. Neither would he. I might not be good for much but some things -“ He stopped himself and turned a deep, dark red. “Anyway. Sorry. TMI.” He picked up his glass and sipped from it, looking away.

“So,” Sam continued. “The point is that I knew I’d been gone for a few hours. That’s long enough for Dean to get pissed. Not long enough for Dean to come kicking down doors, right?” Benny nodded. “Wrong. Door comes flying in – entirely in, off its hinges and everything – and in comes Dean dressed completely different from how he’d been when I left him that morning. And he’s got that look in his eye, you know the one, the I’m going to kill everything you love and make you watch it burn look?” 

Benny grimaced and finished off his drink. “Don’t I ever.” He’d seen it often enough in Purgatory. He poured himself another drink.

“Well, he sees what we’re doing and he starts marching toward us. He’s got this iron spike in his hand. ‘You get off my brother!’ he yells, and he’s got the jaw thing going on, and the veins in his neck are standing out. 

“So that’s kind of a mood-killer right there. We, uh, separate and I’m between Dean and Crow. I’m trying to hide him behind me. ‘Dean, Dean, listen,’ I’m saying. ‘Don’t hurt him. We’re just –‘

“’Oh I can see what he was doing to you just fine, Sammy,’ Dean sneered. ‘And I’m gonna drive this piece of cold iron right through his little faerie wings! Thinking he can make off with my brother for three weeks –‘”

“Three weeks?” Benny repeated. “I thought you said –“

“I know, right? As far as I knew I’d only been gone for a few very pleasant hours. But there’s Dean thinking that it had been three weeks, which it turns out was true. Apparently we were in town for a fae hunt. No one decided to tell me because that’s just how the Winchesters rolled. And Crow’s cabin was actually a little pocket of Faerie.” 

Benny snickered. He couldn’t help himself, Sam’s eye roll notwithstanding. “So what happened next?” 

“Well, Crow wasn’t too scared of Dean. And he should have been, which was probably my first clue that the guy wasn’t human. Not that I cared.” His cheeks reddened again. “’Sam is here of his own free will, Dean. I have not compelled him in any way. Are you so opposed to his happiness that you feel compelled to stop others from showing their affection for him?’ He gestured and Dean’s giant spike thing got red hot. He dropped it and the thing disappeared. .

“’The hell are you talking about?’ Dean growled. ‘Sammy’s fine.’ 

“’Is he now?’ Crow moved over to Dean now. And of course we’re both stark naked but I’m not thinking about that, you know? ‘You know he’s in love with you. You’re the one he wants, Dean. But he won’t move after you. I made him happy. I kept him safe. I can keep him so much safer than John Winchester could – or would want to.’ He stroked my face then. 

“’We’re his family. We know what’s best for him.’ Dean’s eyes were practically on fire. 

“’He wants to be safe. You don’t even want to offer that to him. He would have been home and safe with you had you simply told him you were here hunting my kind. Instead you left him in ignorance, and he found his way to someone who can give him what he needs.’ Crow loomed over Dean then, and even though he’d been about my height when he’d been passing for human he had to be a good seven feet now. 

“’You don’t get to be the judge of that,’ Dean seethed. 

“Well, Crow turned around and kissed me then. ‘Sadly, Sam, you don’t seem to be ready to leave your brother. I could wish it were otherwise. We can protect you, Sam. But I will not compel you. Good luck.’ And then the cabin disappeared. We were just there in a clearing by the side of a river, me and Dean. And I was stark naked.

“Well, he dragged my ass back to Dad. Threw a pair of old gym shorts at me or something so I wouldn’t be naked in the car if we got pulled over and then drove me back to our dad. Dad was pissed. I tried to point out that you know, if I’d known we were there to hunt fae then I’d have been looking for fae. He didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t need to know those things, I couldn’t be trusted with that kind of information if I couldn’t follow simple orders like do my run and come straight home. Don’t talk to the locals. I was punished, pretty thoroughly. And then Dad took off again, looking for more fae or whatever. He wasn’t interested in how I’d spent the past three weeks, just in making sure that I knew my place.” Sam’s face twisted again. Benny knew a thing or two about that kind of father. 

“So Dean came into the room a little while after Dad took off. Brought some ice packs. Sat down on the bed and cleared his throat. ‘So,’ he said. ‘Let’s talk about this.’ 

“’I already went over this with Dad,’ I told him. ‘I know I broke orders and screwed up your hunt.’

“’It’s our hunt, dumbass. It’s all of our hunt.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘You’re part of it, Sam. If you’d just cooperate and work with us, do what you’re supposed to, you’d feel it too. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about. I want to make sure you’re okay.’ 

“I looked at the ice packs. ‘Just peachy.’

“’You earned those. I mean…’ He squirmed a bit. ‘I know the guy said you were there of your own free will and stuff but… like… did he drug you or anything?’ 

“’No, Dean. Perfectly sober. Perfectly willing.’

“’You like guys then.’ 

“’I like people who want to be with me, Dean. Their parts are kind of a secondary consideration – I like them all. But yeah. I like guys.’ And I kind of leaned back on the bedroll.

“’I always kind of wondered.’ He looked away – would not look right at me. I’d showered and put on some pants, but that was about it. 

“’It’s not like it matters, Dean. Not allowed to be alone at all? Ever? Remember?’ That was part of Dad’s punishment – no more solo runs, no more solo anything. 

“’It matters, Sammy.’ He cleared his throat and sat down. ‘Uh, that douche – he, uh. Said other stuff.’ 

“’So?’ 

“Um. About you. And, uh. Me.’ 

“You know, I didn't think your mouth could go dry just like that? I thought it took things like medication or injury or something. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ 

“’Tough. I think we kind of have to talk about it, Sam. I mean, it kind of affects me too.’ He was scowling, but he wasn’t yelling. And he was sitting close. 

“’Really doesn’t Dean.’ I sighed. “Look. I know it’s wrong. We’re brothers. I get that. I know you’re straight and I respect that -‘

“’Sammy –‘ 

“’And I know it’s just because we’re so isolated. I know it’s not the same for you. So… it’s okay. It hasn’t been an issue before now and it doesn’t need to be an issue going forward. Okay?’” 

Benny found he was holding his breath as Sam leaned back and paused for a moment. This should be a happy memory for him. Why wasn’t he smiling? “’Who says it hasn’t been an issue before?’ Dean asked quietly. ‘Sammy, we’ve both been raised in the same isolation. And I mean, you’ve been my whole world for a long time. I mean, I’ve tried to… to not think like that… about you. But, uh. Seeing that guy with his… I was – I mean I was pissed because I thought you were being hurt but I was jealous as hell Sammy.’

“I swallowed. ‘What are you saying, Dean?’ 

“’I’m saying that… that I want this. If you do. That I want to be that for you.’ He reached out and his hand was shaking – it was shaking, Benny. I mean, he cared. He did.” Sam looked down at the table for a good two minutes, his face hidden by his hair. 

“We’ll get him back, Sam,” the vampire promised. He didn’t know what else to say.

Sam’s responding little grin seemed more placatory than anything else. “Anyway. That was our first time together. It was great – I mean, really great. Everything I wanted. Except I think our dad guessed, you know? Started taking Dean off on hunts more and more often, I think to separate us. And, uh, things with Dad got even worse. Didn’t make me any more willing to hunt, either. So I wound up going to Stanford, and Dean wasn’t about to leave Dad to come with me.” He sighed. His hands were shaking again. 

“But you… I mean, that wasn’t the end, right?” Benny prodded. 

“Nah. We started up again after I started hunting again. I think he wanted to distract me from my grief over Jess, you know? But it was different. We’d both changed. Dean’s… his feelings about sex changed, you know? Sex had become just… a thing to him. He didn’t want to be with the same person more than once. That included me. No connection, no, uh, anyway. I mean, I took what I could get. But it wasn’t exactly great having him try to shove women at me – always women, never anyone else – and I didn’t exactly relish having him throw himself at every woman he saw either.” He shrugged. 

Benny winced. He’d seen it happen a million times but that didn’t make it any prettier when it did. “Did you still want him?” 

“I’ll never stop wanting him, Benny. All my heart, all my body, even this mutilated thing they call a soul – everything will always want Dean. But he hasn’t wanted me since he came back from Hell. Found out about what’s actually in my veins – heh – and couldn’t bring himself to touch a monster.” He smirked. 

It had been a very long time since Benny had felt cold. “Sam, I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault, Benny. It’s mine.” He rubbed his face with his hands.

“I mean, I don’t know about… any of that… but I do know that he still loves you. I mean, he chopped off my head to rescue you from Purgatory, right?” He had to do something about the utter despair in the kid’s eyes. 

“For the job, Benny. To close the gates of Hell. If it weren’t for that, by that point I’m pretty sure he’d have just let me rot. Maybe. Maybe he’s so… caught up in that ‘gotta look out for Sam’ bullshit Dad put into his head he’d have tried something. But don’t think for a minute I didn't hear all about what a better brother Benny is.” He smiled gently at his companion. “And that’s okay. You are. I mean, incest, right? Demon blood, starting the Apocalypse. Soullessness. Can’t follow orders for crap.”

“Hey!” Benny reached out and put a hand on Sam’s arm to bring him out of what was clearly turning into a spiral of self-loathing. He didn’t know the guy well, but even he could see that just like he could see the way the self-hate had led to the wrong conclusion about Dean’s feelings toward him. “I also remember him telling me not to underestimate you, what a good hunter you are. Stop selling yourself short. You’ve saved the world. You’ve taken on archangels and won. You’ve killed how many gods – yourself? We’re going to get him back and you’re going to see – he still loves you, Sam.” 

He gave a little smile. “Benny – it doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does! Love matters!” “No. It doesn’t. Why do you think I brought you back instead of getting Cas’ help, or calling up Carlos from New Mexico or something?” Benny shook his head, nonplussed. “Because Dean’s going to need someone he loves and trusts around him. The demon cure is the third Trial. It’s also fatal. To me, anyway.” He stood up. “But at least I’ll have done something right. G’night, Benny.” He stalked off toward the cell he called his bedroom.

“Sam, wait!” Benny called. “We can fix this!” There was no answer, just a wave. The vampire sagged against the wall. “Damn it,” he murmured. “There has got to be another way.”


End file.
